Mumbles Spoken Out Loud

To lay yourself bare, to completely surrender to someone else is a thing of bravery, of pure vulnerability.

It takes courage to reveal certain hidden parts of you to someone else. Regardless of whether you trust them completely, it is always a risk to uncover yourself in ways you have never before. The fact that you have concealed these innermost thoughts, emotions and ideas in the first place goes to show just how tightly you hold on to them.

I have many thoughts locked up inside of my mind about certain parts of life, of existence, of the meaning of certain acts. I hardly ever express these, for fear not only of being embarrassed and laughed at but of releasing a part of me that I can never get back.

I’m so tired of concealing parts of myself just because I know this “better” version of me will please you more. I’ve learned to do this over time, learning from your angry reactions to my emotions, your embarrassment at my attempts to look deeper into life, into us. I see poetry in everything, in the earth, the way people look at each other, and yes, sometimes in us. This is the way I am and I am unable to change that, nor do I want to, just to please everyone else. I am not content just living out my life as any other, accepting the bourgeois life, societal norms regarding thought and expression. I am not like any other and neither are you. I am different in the fact that I vow to embrace this.

However when I go to finally express something from this part of me, you quickly shut me down to make me feel like I’m the smallest person in the world; an idiot, a dreamer – unrealistic and naive. I know you don’t see life in the same way as I do and I understand that the things I want to talk about, the BIG things like human existence, religion, death, etc.make you uncomfortable. But how can I just keep pushing these things to the back of my mind? It is important to me to talk about these things, to stretch the mind and enjoy a REAL conversation with someone. It is only sad that I cannot do this with some of the people I love the most. It’s embarrassing and discouraging to be laughed at by any person; but to endure this from those you hold dearest, well, it is just heart-breaking.

I’m beyond exhausted being told I “overreact”. I am not afraid to admit that I am a sensitive person; easily offended and unforgiving, I look too far into things, too deep, too much. I try to tone it down but how can two people move forward if one is constantly on guard, attempting to be the person the other wants? Each time I reveal a piece of the real me, I promise myself I won’t open up in that way again. But how is this fair? It is not right to ask someone to change themselves for you, no matter how indirectly asked.

Perhaps I must contain these parts of myself for others who truly care and value this part of my mind. As cliche as it is, life is just too short to lock yourself up and throw away the key for those who are uninterested in what you have to say.

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