The Peculiar Workings of an Undecided Mind

Isn’t it peculiar how you can feel so entirely hollow at times? And perhaps even odder is that it’s usually seemingly over nothing at all. 

A picture, a comment said in passing, a look, a road, a building, an object that connects you so closely to one certain human and just throws you into a black hole. A moment of pure transportation, removal from reality. Hurtled down the labyrinth of memories and thoughts; ideas, comments and feelings that work you down until you feel hardly anything at all. As though you are nothing more than an empty shell of the living, breathing being you were only moments before. 

I feel as though this is happening to me more often than not lately. I come across streets that once held great significance to me, bringing forward memories of a face. I stumble across an object that sends me straight back to the instant in time that I was given it. The feelings of these moments overpower me and confuse my mind so much so that I’m left wondering which reality I’m in…and which I’d rather stay in. 

I find myself often questioning my reality; not in some deep and cosmical way but more so of why I’ve brought myself down this path. I tend to throw myself into the excitement of drama and anything that disrupts my cyclical day to day life and I’m beginning to question the responsibility of this. It all seems to be “fate” and “passion” and “oh it’s meant to be” in the present but now I sit here in the future and all I can wonder is … Was it worth it? 

I find myself, quite frighteningly frequently, staring into space, contemplating my unhappiness in that moment. And it tends to be around certain people who I seem to believe give me the most happiness. But even now I’m starting to wonder maybe this happiness is no longer enough; that these moments of silent and unnoticed despair are beginning to outweigh any goodness that I’ve been experiencing…

Or maybe it is all just my head, concocting tales and theories to combat this overwhelming boredom gradually settling into every aspect of my life. I’m beginning to feel the total effects of this more recently; rendering me silent where once I used to laugh, providing me with emptiness where once I used to feel a fulfilling happiness. 

I believe I probably hold unreasonable expectations for my life and this could be a leading contributor for my more frequently occurring  disappointments but how can I adjust this? I don’t think I can really…it’s just a part of me. So then my next question is, how does one learn to cope with  disappointment? And remain happy? I’m not sure if it can be done. 

I am not unhappy, not entirely. I enjoy being alive and I love those in my life. I just struggle with the occasional bout of these kinds of thoughts and that prompts me to question it all. But I am happy. I think. 

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